Learning what it means to be truly merciful and forgiving

Oftentimes, I mistakenly equated patience with tolerance, mercy with leniency, and forgiveness with forgetting. I grew up believing that I lacked patience simply because I felt anger or frustration toward those who wronged me. I was taught that these emotions were sinful or unjust, that to be charitable and merciful, I had to suppress my feelings and passively endure mistreatment.

This misunderstanding made me resent the very concepts of patience and forgiveness. I saw them as burdens—an expectation to tolerate others’ bad behavior at the expense of my own well-being.

The Truth About Emotions and Righteous Anger

But now I see that my feelings of frustration and anger were not signs of impatience but rather indicators of a moral compass at work. God designed emotions as signals to inform reason.

Scripture supports this:

“Be angry, but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” (Ephesians 4:26, NRSVCE)

This verse reveals that anger itself is not sinful; rather, it is our response to anger that determines whether we act righteously or fall into sin. Righteous anger, when channeled properly, can be an instrument of justice and truth.

Jesus Himself displayed righteous anger when He overturned the money changers’ tables in the temple:

“He said to them, ‘It is written, “My house shall be called a house of prayer”; but you are making it a den of robbers.’” (Matthew 21:13, NRSVCE)

He did not tolerate sin but confronted it with divine authority and purpose.

True Patience: Endurance in Virtue

Patience does not mean permitting wrongdoings to persist. In its biblical essence, patience is the endurance to remain steadfast in virtue despite trials.

James 1:3-4 reminds us:

“Because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1:3-4, NRSVCE)

Patience is not passive endurance but active perseverance—choosing to address wrongdoing with wisdom rather than reacting impulsively or fearfully.

Forgiveness: Releasing Resentment, Not Responsibility

Similarly, forgiveness does not mean overlooking sin. It means releasing personal resentment while still upholding righteousness. It acknowledges the wrong but chooses not to seek personal vengeance, instead leaving justice in God’s hands:

“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’” (Romans 12:19, NRSVCE)

When Jesus forgave sinners, He also called them to repentance:

“Jesus straightened up and said to her, ‘Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?’ She said, ‘No one, sir.’ And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.’” (John 8:10-11, NRSVCE)

His forgiveness was not tolerance of their sin but an invitation to transformation.

Mercy: Guiding Others Toward Truth

Mercy, too, is often misunderstood. True mercy is not about being lenient toward sin; it is about recognizing the fallen nature of humanity and guiding others toward redemption. Mercy sees the sinner’s potential for change. It does not excuse sin but seeks to heal the soul.

Proverbs 27:5-6 states:

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Well meant are the wounds a friend inflicts, but profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” (Proverbs 27:5-6, NRSVCE)

To be merciful is to correct with love, to discipline with purpose, and to direct others toward truth rather than enabling destructive behavior.

Breaking Free from Misconceptions

For so long, I was misled about what it meant to be patient, forgiving, and merciful. Because I lacked an understanding of my emotions, I ignored them, fearing they were sinful. This left me feeling disoriented in moral dilemmas, anxious in emotional situations, and paralyzed by the fear of acting wrongly.

I recoiled from confrontation, assuming it was holier to stay silent. Yet, this only permitted chaos around me. I unknowingly allowed others to be consumed by their toxic emotions while I suppressed my own.

But God does not call us to silence in the face of sin. He calls us to be:

“See, I am sending you out like sheep into the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” (Matthew 10:16, NRSVCE)

He calls us to discern when to speak and when to be silent, when to extend grace and when to correct.

I realize now that my desire for order in chaos—my deep longing for a calm, virtuous environment—was a reflection of God’s order.

“For God is a God not of disorder but of peace.” (1 Corinthians 14:33, NRSVCE)

My emotions were not barriers to virtue; they were tools given by God to lead me toward it.

Motherhood Opened My Eyes

It wasn’t until I became a mother, tasked with disciplining my children, that I was forced to seek the truth about patience, forgiveness, and mercy.

When correcting my children, I could not simply tolerate their misbehavior. I had to be patient, teaching them repeatedly. I had to be merciful, recognizing their immaturity and guiding them with love. I had to be forgiving, releasing any personal offense but still holding them accountable.

Motherhood revealed to me that God, too, disciplines His children—not out of wrath but out of love:

“For the Lord disciplines those whom he loves and chastises every child whom he accepts.” (Hebrews 12:6, NRSVCE)

Final Thoughts: Choosing Strength Over Passivity

Patience is not weakness—it is enduring virtue.
Forgiveness is not ignoring wrong—it is releasing resentment while still upholding justice.
Mercy is not indulging sin—it is leading others toward righteousness.

As Christian women, we are called to be strong, not passive. We are called to lead with love, not tolerate destruction.

When we embrace this, we become not only emotionally intelligent but spiritually wise.

And that is true strength.