Confessions of a Prideful Heart: Learning to Say Sorry

My Apology Was Disguised as a Consolation

For much of my life, I sought harmony at the expense of honesty. I feared confrontation and the high emotions that accompanied it, so rather than admitting my wrongdoing, I defaulted to consolation. If I hurt someone, I would comfort them, smooth things over, and offer distractions—but I would not take true accountability. My childhood taught me that this approach maintained peace, but as I grew into my roles as a wife and mother, I realized that peace without truth is fragile and empty.

The Hidden Cost of Avoiding True Contrition

From a psychological standpoint, avoiding accountability is often rooted in fear and pride. Studies in human behavior suggest that when individuals are confronted with their wrongdoings, they instinctively engage in self-preservation tactics—whether through denial, justification, or deflection. I was no different. I wanted to maintain my image as a “good” person, so instead of truly repenting, I focused on damage control.

However, true reconciliation cannot occur without genuine contrition. Research on emotional intelligence and conflict resolution highlights that acknowledging wrongdoing fosters trust and deepens relationships. A study by Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship psychologist, emphasizes that sincere apologies—those that acknowledge fault, express regret, and seek amends—are crucial for long-term relational health (Gottman, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”).

Biblical Wisdom: The Call to True Repentance

Scripture warns against superficial apologies and calls for true repentance. Psalm 51:17 states, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” A contrite heart does not seek to excuse or minimize sin but humbly acknowledges it before God and those we have wronged.

Saint Augustine wrote extensively about the nature of true repentance, warning against pride masquerading as remorse. In Confessions, he taught that genuine sorrow requires humility—the willingness to lay down one’s pride and admit fault fully. Similarly, Saint Teresa of Ávila emphasized the importance of self-examination, urging believers to seek the grace of true contrition rather than settle for surface-level peace (The Way of Perfection).

The Sacrament of Reconciliation: A Divine Gift for True Healing

In the Catholic faith, we have the Sacrament of Reconciliation, instituted by Jesus Christ, who knew that humankind is weak in the flesh and in need of divine healing. This sacrament is not merely a ritual but a profound encounter with God’s mercy, allowing the transgressor to amend their relationship with God and receive grace to aid in reparation with those they have wronged.

Many saints and holy people have strongly encouraged frequent Confession and thorough examinations of conscience. Saint Padre Pio often urged the faithful to go to Confession weekly, emphasizing that the sacrament is a means of spiritual renewal. Saint John Vianney, known for spending countless hours in the confessional, reminded us that “The good God sees our sorrow and relieves our hearts of their burden.” The more we embrace this sacrament, the more we are strengthened to truly take accountability for our actions and grow in virtue.

My Journey in Marriage and Motherhood

As a wife, I initially struggled with admitting my faults to my husband. Instead of offering a real apology, I would quickly try to “fix” the situation without truly addressing my failure. However, my husband, with immense patience and mercy, modeled Christ-like forgiveness. He gently encouraged me to say the words I found difficult: “I was wrong. I am sorry. Will you forgive me?” He didn’t just want peace; he wanted truth. He wanted my honesty.

At first, it felt unnatural, even humiliating. The words caught in my throat because I had spent a lifetime believing they made me weak. But through his patience and the grace of God, I began to see the beauty of true repentance. I learned that accountability is not about shame but about restoration.

Motherhood deepened this lesson. My children mirror my behaviors, absorbing how I handle conflict. If I only pacify their emotions but never admit my own wrongs, I teach them to do the same. They will grow up thinking that resolving conflict means making people “feel better” rather than making things right. That is not what I want for them. I want them to learn humility, integrity, and the courage to own their actions.

Encouragement for Others: Facing the Uncomfortable Truth

If you, like me, have found yourself disguising repentance with prideful self-preservation, I encourage you to reflect deeply on your approach to apologies. True repentance requires:

1. Acknowledgment – Admitting fault without excuses.
2. Contrition – Feeling genuine sorrow for the hurt caused.
3. Verbal Confession – Saying “I was wrong” without deflection.
4. Restitution – Making amends when possible.
5. Commitment to Change – Actively working to avoid repeating the mistake.

Saint John Chrysostom once said, “Be ashamed when you sin, not when you repent.” (Homily 31 on the Gospel of Matthew). There is no shame in repentance—only freedom. As I continue learning this lesson in my marriage and motherhood, I pray that God grants me the humility to embrace true contrition, just as He extends His endless mercy to us all.

Let us not settle for shallow harmony. Let us pursue truth, however uncomfortable, so that our relationships—both human and divine—may flourish in honesty and love.